I awoke this morning to the most wonderful news: The drought in California is, at long last, over. There was only one person who could fix it. And…he did! I hereby rescind any and all written or oral statements I’ve ever made that could be viewed by my enemies as negative commentary on Messr. Trump. Oh, and thoughts. Any critical thoughts I may or may not have had, I disavow those too. Actually, it doesn’t matter, because those alleged writings, verbal comments and thoughts are totally unsubstantiated. Fake news. Get over it, people. Move on. Because as of this morning, America — or at least the California part — is GREAT AGAIN!
I’m talking about the refreshed water table. Now flush! Filled to the brim. Practically overflowing, thanks entirely to Donald Trump’s largesse. Apparently, Mr. Trump orchestrated a wonderful climatic event in Russia awhile back, with the direct result of ending the drought here in California. They even have a name for this sort of miraculous event — a “Golden Shower”!
And who would have thought that it would require British Intelligence to unearth Trump’s enormous contribution to righting my state’s long-standing ecological deficit? Such modesty! Rather than accept the well-deserved adulation, Mr. Trump humbly notes the revelation is “unsubstantiated.” Oh Donald, there’s no need. Like an anonymous donor writing a yuge check to a worthy charity, later discovered, please just bask in the glow of our unabashed appreciation. You have earned it, sir!
Note: I grew up in a small town; the child of parents who grew up in smaller towns. Arguably a bit of a Podunk kind of guy. So I confess that “Golden Shower” is not a regularly occurring phrase in my lexicon. And it’s been a busy morning in our household, so I haven’t had a chance yet to cruise around Wikipedia. Urban Dictionary. Really get up into the etymology of it. The way I like to when stumbling on a new and interesting turn of phrase. I’ll get to that work right after my PEOTUS’ press conference.
In the meantime, thank you, Mr. Trump, for the Golden Shower! On behalf of my fellow Californians, thank you!
Thanks for reading.