So early this morning, my mother delivered devastating news via text message: I may well be on the hook for 34 years-worth of overdue fees from my high school library. Here’s how this horrifying prospect revealed itself —

So how should we interpret this stunning discovery? Please allow me to summarize the key points:

1. There are not enough spaces on my iPhone calculator to quantify my epic late fee. I suspect it will, however, be sufficient to cover the expense of building Trump’s Wall. 

2. My step-father, Jim, is likely never to speak to my mother or me. We probably deserve that. 

3. Finally, and most importantly, I think I can answer the “How in the hell did we get here?” question of the hour: Only one plausible theory, really — Our country’s current predicament is all my fault. Had I returned 1984 on a timely basis, lo those many years ago, none of this would have happened. None of it. Mea culpa. I only hope you can find it in your hearts to forgive me. 

Thanks for reading.